you say he's just a friend...

Today’s post is contributed by, Jasmine Butler. Jasmine is a Harlemite who loves to walk as far as humanly possible and enjoying sweet treats throughout NYC.  Jasmine is a Wesleyan graduate who uses her womanly charm and romance languages to woo various store owners into discounts and bottles of champagna! Her friends love her for this.

Have you ever met a girl that you tried to date
But a year to make love she wanted you to wait
Let me tell ya a story of my situation
I was talkin’ to this girl from the U.S. nation
The way that I met her was on tour at a concert
She had long hair and a short miniskirt
I just got onstage drippin’, pourin’ with sweat
I was walkin’ through the crowd and guess who I met
I whispered in her ear, “Come to the picture booth
So I can ask you some questions to see if your hundred proof”
I asked her her name, she said blah-blah-blah
She had 9/10 pants and a very big bra
I took a couple of flicks and she was enthused
I said, “How do you like the show?”
she said, “I was very amused”
I started throwin’ bass, she started throwin’ back mid-range
But when I sprung the question, she acted kind of strange
Then when I asked, “Do ya have a man?” she tried to pretend
She said, “No I don’t, I only have a friend”
Come on, I’m not even goin’ for it
This is what I’m goin’ sing- Biz Markie

I have been friends with my ex boyfriend for the past 7 years post breakup. We share information about our lives and help each-other out with advice regarding respective dating relationships, job inquires and music.

Some would argue that there is unhealthy quality about this friendship but our relationship is purely platonic and yes he is really just my FRIEND. We don’t even go out and probably see each other once our twice a year for b-day celebrations or common friend gatherings. From my perspective we have evolved as friends and I consider him to be in the top best friend pool because he gives real advice that isn’t sugar coated and I do the same for him.

Can men and women be friends after being romantically involved? If so what distinguishes a healthy and honest friendship from an emotional cheating situation? And does a man perceive friendship with an ex girlfriend differently than a woman does?

“When you’re in a relationship, you cannot tell the man everything about your past relationships. Tell him the basics, but you just cannot tell him even close to everything.”

Upon my mother saying these words to me, something didn’t quite click. While strongly inclined to politely disagree, the weight of her intuition and maternal wisdom took precedent and so, I kept my mouth shut. Her words and my silent disagreement cling with me for the next few days. So I ask – Is partial honesty the best policy? Is not revealing the whole truth and nothing but the truth a step in the direction of deceit? Is it preferable to know nearly everything or are “just the basics” better?

Please discuss!

“A Pimp is happy when his whores giggle. He knows they are still asleep…all whores have one thing in common just like the chumps humping for the white boss. It thrills em’ when the pimp makes mistakes. They watch and wait for his downfall. A pimp is the loneliest bastard on Earth. He’s gotta know his whores. He can’t let them know him. He’s gotta be God all the way.”

That was a quote from a Pimp named Iceberg Slim. I recited it to a female friend of mine yesterday, and listened in awe as she became enraged at my witticisms. She called to ask for relationship advice, but instead I gave her advice on Pimping. She didn’t get it at first, but I soon broke down the psychology of pimping and exposed how easily women are manipulated and how men today use mind control to get what they want; just like the pimps who simply exploited mental flaws to control women while generating a profit. As a new year’s resolution, I vowed to stop allowing people to come to me for relationship advice-which I call the “Dr. Phil” Effect- which is when a friend of mine, male or female, seems to have trouble with the opposite sex and comes to me to wondering, “what they should do.” They say that they appreciate my advice because it’s unbiased and brutally honest, however very few really listen to it. In the end I end up giving more advice to get them out of a more fucked up situation because they didn’t listen to the advice I gave them in the beginning. A good friend of mine named Felecia always used to say, “You take the guesswork out of relationships by asking questions.” But…what do women do when they don’t know the right questions to ask? What are the things that keep sistas from finding a good man?

STOP SETTLING FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN WHAT YOU WANT- we’ve all seen this. Beautiful intelligent sista meets loser and settles because there is nothing else on the horizon. She’s climbing the corporate ladder and is a future success story. He’s setting us black men back 20 years, and is a future street dweller and food stamp abuser. The sista knows that he’s not right for her, but it seems like forever since she’s been with someone and figures “why not?” The problem is that the worst people for you also happen to be the best at things, like smooth talking, spontaneous fun…and sex! Next thing you know, it’s been 3 years and you’re so accustomed to him and his bullshit that you would never trust a word out of the mouth of a man who actually means it. Lowering your standards and telling yourself that a bad person only has one major flaw you don’t like…is like taking someone lightly that’s about to hang them self because there’s only one noose around their neck!

STOP ALLOWING HISTORY TO REPEAT ITSELF- this simply means stop making the same damn mistakes over and over again. If all the men you meet tend to be bastards, and you’re meeting them in clubs…then maybe it’s time you stop giving out your number in the fucking clubs!!! LOL Personally I don’t think that the chances of meeting “the one” in a club or bar are good; My suggestions? Book Stores (don’t sleep on Barnes and Nobles), Open Mic Events, College (although there are plenty of creeps there), Game Nights, Weddings, Social Networking Events, and any type of cultured atmosphere.  If you’re ideal man is Shaquan Johnson- the 7th grade dropout who works as a weed dealer full-time, and a part-time fry cook at Checkers-then go ahead and keep searchin’ in them hood clubs! LMAO

WENDY WILLIAMS SYNDROME- Many of you are wondering, what the fuck is that?!? The Wendy Williams syndrome is when sistas assume that every clean cut brotha that dresses well and is eloquent without ulterior motive is secretly a closet homosexual! Stop that shit, ladies. Y’all are gonna fuck around and miss out on a great opportunity with that bullshit. Ladies are brainwashed into thinking that all good brothers are married or Gay…and Why?!? Because Wendy Williams (who is RICH and MARRIED) tells you that bullshit.  Stop it.

KEEPING A STEEL LID ON YOUR EMOTIONS- This can be good and bad. It’s good because sometimes when you show emotion you leave yourself wide open to be hurt. But it’s bad because men are just so much better at it than you are! Women often think that men are bad cheaters and always get caught-lemme tell you something: You can believe that bullshit if you want. We can get on our Mission Impossible shit too! LOL When a woman fucks another man, he’s usually across town or your polar opposite, so the chances of us finding out isn’t that great. Men carry the stigma of fucking co-workers, next-door neighbors, line sisters and friends-then wonder how the hell they got caught! But please believe that there are brothas who do their research, and their game is so tight, you’d NEVER suspect a thing! Iceberg Slim used to say “The Best Pimps keep a steel lid on their emotions and I was one of the iciest. A Pimp is really a whore who has reversed the game on whores.”

CREDIT-Another thing I see that keeps sistas from meeting the man of their dreams is credit. No, I don’t mean your credit score…LOL…I mean your history and oftentimes how things from the past come back to bite you in the ass. At the age of 29, it’s common to meet beautiful women and find out that she has a child, but what is it with these women who have 7 children by 6 different men?!? Now, many of you will say “Ron…don’t judge her. There’s nothing wrong with a woman with a bunch of kids.” Sheeeee-it! Says who? Sistas have it better because the children usually never live with the father and if you can avoid the Baby Mama Drama, things are usually cool. I like to do things on impulse at times, and a woman with 12 kids will hinder that. Another form of credit is a woman’s sexual past. Woman have to understand that what the do in their past affects us as well. The town whore just doesn’t look good on my arm at the corporate dinners or at Church! LMAO

THE BEYONCE SYNDROME- this is when women want to get lots of credit for things that they are supposed to do-or supposed to have. Who gives a fuck if you have your own car?!? You have your own place to stay?!? Whoop-tee fuckin’ Dooo!!! LOL Obtaining your own apartment is not an accomplishment that warrants a parade. Women brag about education, not having kids, and paying their own bills, but these are things that are expected of us. Sistas also jump from one fucked up relationship to the next because they have this fear of being alone. Iceberg slim says and I quote: “Listen square-ass bitch, I have never had a whore I couldn’t do without. I celebrate, bitch, when a whore leaves me. It gives some worthy bitch a chance to take her place and be a star.” I don’t know exactly what that had to do with my aforementioned statements, but it’s a HELL of a line! LMAO

THE WIFE v.s. THE BRIDE- It takes a lot to be married and takes a lot to be a man’s wife. I’ve realized that many women want to be married someday, but they just wanna be Brides, they don’t wanna be someone’s Wife! They want a Wedding and want to be the center of attention; the envy of all women…many don’t want the other things that come along with marriage. When you’re married, all those dumb ass guys that call you and text you all the time have to go! All of the Break In Case of Emergency male friends that take you out and wine and dine you when you’re pissed at your man…they have to go! You have to check with someone before you’re out all night. You have to check in. These are things that oftentimes people never think about until it’s happening and they fuck around and end up in a marriage they don’t wanna be in. It’s always better to wait until you’ve kissed enough frogs before you decide that someone in your prince! You have to know that you’re ready to be a wife…and not just a bride.

In life, you’re either a pimp, or a hoe. I know it sounds crazy, yall…but this book really has me thinking. In life and in every type of situation, you’re either a pimp or a hoe. It’s simply control. When I worked in sales for NEXTEL, I was definitely a corporate hoe! I worked long hours with a rotating schedule, and wasn’t extremely happy. My Boss was the pimp. Sure, I made decent money and was damn good at what I did, but when I looked at how much money I was making him and how much MY share was…I hated it. He sat on his ass and would constantly call in and sometimes his only words to me would be “How are the numbers?” Then, like a typical hoe, I would run down today’s take! LOL There are many well paid hoes out there. They’re like the Bottom bitch that is closest to the pimp. A man working in pharmaceutical sales can make $100,000 a year, but still be getting pimped by the CEO of the company who’s simply sitting back watching you bust your ass for him! It’s nothing for him to pay you your salary when you make him millions. A hoe can become a pimp is due time from learning from mistakes, and a pimp can become a hoe is he’s not careful and takes situations for granted.

Take control of your situations. Take control of your lives and all the things you want, whether it’s love or success. Don’t allow yourself to be a hoe for anyone-even if that’s the role you currently play. Shit, I’m still a corporate whore myself, but my time is coming-I will have control…make sure you do too.

….These are the Random Thoughts of Ronald Gray…

P.S.-Ladies, don’t go getting all sensitive and pissed off at me…yall know I have issues! (smile)

He simply couldn’t handle the idea that his girl could have been unfaithful, insisting that “women just aren’t built like that”. But, I countered, every female cheater I knew had one thing in common – that they were able to get away with it because their dude just didn’t think their girl “had it in her” to cheat. After my initial disappointment subsided, I started to think about this double standard he held so dearly to and its relation to “gender roles”. Are men inclined to cheat because “they can”? Are women inclined to cheat because “they won’t get caught?” Or are all cheaters motivated by the same selfishness and insecurities – regardless of gender?